The Magic Question

Originally published at KarenVernon.net on July 28, 2020

I recently shared on LinkedIn an article from Fast Company about why the words we choose matter, and how they can quite simply transform our conversations. That particular piece cited how use of the phrase, “tell me,” can open up the dialogue, creating a safe space for ideas and opinions to be shared without leading and without judgment.

The author even used the term “magic” to describe the effect – so of course, it got me thinking about “the magic question” that I’ve used for years, especially when a conversation is emotionally charged. And in fact, the magic question is best used in conjunction with “tell me.”

The magic question is useful in all sorts of conversations when it’s important to get to the heart of the matter. I’ve used it with executives unhappy with how a project is going. And with staff members who are struggling to understand and adjust to organizational changes that are out of their control. It works beautifully in service recovery, when you’re addressing a customer’s concerns. Dare I say, I’ve even used it successfully with teenagers (you know that’s powerful magic, indeed!).

But here’s the thing about the magic question. You don’t lead with it – you build toward it. In conversations where emotions are high, I tend to follow the LEAR method – Listen, show Empathy, Ask questions and Respond. This is a good framework, and it’s where you can use both the “tell me” approach and the magic question. Here’s a real-life example of how it works:

A staff member comes to me, highly upset that she’s been passed over for a promotion. “Tell me” is helpful here, as it begins the listening phase. I listen without judgment or interruption, letting her vent. I show empathy, acknowledging that her feelings are real and that it’s understandable she feels as she does. I might ask clarifying questions, if needed.

And now we come to the respond phase – and the magic question. Now that the emotion has been expressed, now that the staff member feels heard, now what? While venting (safely and appropriately) is healthy, how is she going to move forward? It’s time for the magic question: “What would you like to have happen?”

It’s magical on many levels. Like “tell me,” it is empowering to the responder. It guides her to think about what true resolution of her situation would look like, and gives her an opportunity to name it. It is future-facing, rather than rooted in the hurts of the past. It is tangible, and actionable.

In all my years of using the magic question, I can’t think of a time where it’s failed me. And in another bit of magic, the answers to it are almost always easily achievable, and brilliant in their simplicity.

You might fear that the responses would be demanding and unreasonable – “I want that other person fired, so I can have the job!” – but I’ve never gotten a response like that. I believe it’s because this question focuses the person, in the healthiest way, on what is in their control, versus keeping them stuck as a victim.

In the example above, the magic question led this young woman to what I have found is the most common response: “I just needed someone to hear me.” And then, to pick up her wounded pride and disappointment, and channel it into something productive. “I really did want this promotion,” she said. “And I still want one. I just want to know that I’m being given full consideration, and that I’m more prepared the next time an opportunity comes around.” Our conversation ended by talking about resources she could enlist to brush up her resume and interview skills, and some ways she could extend herself on specific teams to highlight her expertise. She left my office feeling heard, and with a plan. That’s magic!

Oh, to be sure, there have been some doozies of situations where I wondered if the magic question would come through for me – and still, it did. As noted, the most consistent answer is, “I just wanted to be heard. Thank you.” (Thank you, LEAR!). But whether dealing with irate customers, or unhappy bosses, or surly teenagers, I’ve never had anyone come back with a demand that wasn’t reasonable, or a request that couldn’t be met.

The magic question enlists the aggrieved party in the resolution to their complaint or concern. Rather than expecting the answer to come from elsewhere, it lets them name it and own it. By feeling heard in advance of the question, they are able to diffuse their emotion and identify tangible, concrete ways to move forward. Used in the context of LEAR, it really can be magical.