How Not to be a Karen

Originally published at KarenVernon.net on August 15, 2020

If you know me, you know this post was inevitable. Still, I’ve started and abandoned drafts countless times, waiting for the right words to come.

At first, I thought it was funny – this whole “Karen” thing – because I never miss a chance to laugh at myself. A few years ago my kids gleefully introduced me to the Karen memes – the hyper-vigilant, entitled middle-aged mom demanding to speak to the manager, or compelled to explain to strangers in the park how they ought to behave. I began sharing examples of Karens throwing their weight around, finding it hysterical that my name was trending as it hadn’t since its heyday in the 1950s and 60s – although in a deliciously undesirable way.

Despite my currently-unfortunate moniker, I honestly can’t remember a time I’ve asked to speak to the manager at any business or engaged in other overtly stereotypical Karen behavior. My family teases me about my expectations to have things go a certain way; the waiting line at the local Panera is particularly irritating to my sense of logic and order and efficiency, but at most drives me to a few heavy sighs and dramatic eye rolls. (And okay, I might have yelled at that teenage skateboarder that time, but that was me being a conscientious mom and he was riding into traffic!)

So why are Karens quite literally making a name for themselves recently? This piece from CNN gives some good background on the rise of the Karen phenomenon. While Karen may now be seen as an antiquated name that “no one would name their kid anymore” [sigh], for about 15 years in the 1950s and 60s, Karen was today’s Ava or Ethan – consistently in the top 10 lists of baby names. (So Mom and Dad, stop blaming yourselves for being on trend. And Ava and Ethan, consider this a cautionary tale). This explains why there are so many of us Karens in varying roles of influence now, and statistically, why a few of us are making negative news.

But next came Karens stepping into the news cycle, showcasing their racism. Sometimes blatantly, sometimes ignorant to their implicit bias. The “Karens” (whatever their actual names) became synonymous with white privilege and abuse of power. With putting others, especially Black and people of color, “in their place.” And that’s when I stopped laughing.

“But you’re not one of those Karens,” many friends reassured me.

“Well, I certainly hope I’m not,” I said.

For a while, I began to take offense at my name being used thusly, and was determined to counter “that Karen” narrative. I started writing this post as a sort of call to arms (kind ones), exhorting my sisters in infamy to band together to use our power and privilege for good, and to distinguish ourselves from the Karens who were most decidedly behaving badly.

Then, as I was working on that draft, I happened across this from the excellent NPR podcast, Code Switch. It took me deeper into the history of “Karen” and her predecessors “Becky” and “Miss Ann,” and how they’ve been used as code in the Black community for generations to describe a white woman to watch out for, one who can be counted on to use her power and privilege against them.

So much for my “claim your power and privilege for good” angle. Power – and its misuse – is what got us here. Next draft! And another, and another.

Every time I started to write, I came across some new information like the Code Switch blog that would cause my perspective on this issue to shift again. At last, that became my way in; and so, [ahem], I present the following guide:

How Not to Be a “Karen” (in 5 not-so-easy but essential steps)

Step 1:

Recognize that you have things to learn – and unlearn. Despite the expert, instructive tone of this post’s title, I know I don’t have all the answers. Those other “Karens” would never admit they don’t know everything, including what’s best for everyone around them. Some humility, combined with a thirst for knowledge, goes a long way. Remember the infamous “Karen,” Lisa Alexander, in San Francisco? She would have done well not to accuse a Filipino man (or anyone) of defacing property that turned out to be his very own. What she thought she knew backfired in a big way, and revealed her implicit bias in the process. Even we who consider ourselves enlightened and inclusive had better be examining our blind spots from the last many years to the last few minutes, raising our consciousness and finding ways to unlearn racist attitudes we may not even know we have.

Step 2:

Recognize that your experience is not everyone’s experience. This is hard for most of us. We see the world from our own perspective, and may assume it’s the same for everyone. I hate to break it to you, Karen, but it’s not. For instance, imagine my surprise (and chagrin) when I watched the movie Hidden Figures only to discover its central character, famed NASA mathematician Katherine Johnson, had taught in the segregated school in my hometown – a school I barely knew existed and couldn’t have pointed out on a town map. When I shared that newfound fact on social media, a Black classmate from high school told me that Katherine Johnson was her mother’s teacher. A whole world I never knew, right in front of me – hidden, indeed. Acknowledging that your worldview is narrow helps open you to Step 3.

Step 3:

Seek to understand. When you embrace Steps 1 and 2, the natural next step is to want to broaden your perspective. Don’t know much about other races’ and cultures’ experience, arts, history? Explore everything you can find. Listen to great podcasts, like Code Switch. Google it, for heaven’s sake. Listen! Just listen. This kind of learning builds empathy, and empathy builds bridges. A word of caution – Step 3 is not easy. You’ll confront some ugliness and ignorance in yourself along the way. You’ll remember things you said and did without realizing the hurt they conveyed. When this happens, give yourself some grace. Whether your eyes are opened through your own research or through gentle teaching or corrections from others, learn to be grateful and gracious in the learning. When you realize you’ve had it all wrong, say “thank you” instead of being defensive. Embrace this as a gift, as a chance to do better. What you learn will change you; what you learn can change the world.

Step 4:

When you don’t know, don’t speak. (Brief pause here so those who know me to be a talker can recover their composure.) This step is why I kept wrestling with this topic before I put words to paper. I have opinions, sure, but are they well-informed? The short answer: not yet, but I’m working on it. Does it mean I need to be silent? No, but I have a responsibility to take the time to be thoughtful before I put my ideas or suggestions out there. It’s why I backed off from the “use our power for good” theme of my original drafts. It’s why I’ll keep practicing all these steps for the rest of my life, because I want to get it right. And it’s why I asked a trusted friend, who’s educating herself on all these issues and won’t hesitate to tell me the truth, to review this piece before I put it out there. Her contributions made it better. (Thanks FR!)

Step 5:

Remember this feeling. If, like me, you’re actually named Karen, stop for a moment. Feel the sting of being stereotyped for something as simple as your name. Sure, you brushed it off and laughed about it at first, but it’s not going away. Feel that little spark of anger and frustration about being wrongly accused, of assumptions being made about your motives, or about the kind of person you are. Feel what it’s like when you’ve become a meme, and your name is the butt of jokes you find yourself apologizing for. Let me be clear, I’m not elevating the “suffering” of Karens in any way; this is a nuisance for us, nothing more. But I’m saying maybe this gives us the tiniest insight to imagine how angry and hurt and traumatized whole generations of our fellow human beings are about the systemic racism that’s made assumptions, applied stereotypes and kept them “in their place.” Take that feeling, use it to walk a mile in others’ shoes, and channel it to change your own biases and behaviors.

If you are worried you might be “one of those Karens,” or you know someone who might be, I hope you’ll find the steps above a great place to start on the road to recovery.

And to my fellow actual Karens, at last, a call to action: When our learning and unlearning, our opened eyes, our self-awareness and our empathy combine to help us decide to make the world better, that’s how we’ll begin to make a new name for ourselves.